Poor maths and English GCSE results don't add up to a prosperous future for the UK

No more beating about the bush. If the latest GCSE results in maths and English are anything to go by, we're all doomed. Two in five pupils are failing in these core subjects. This year's pass rates, shockingly, are the lowest in a decade. Only 53.8% of all pupils across the country passed the maths exam this summer - down from 59.5% a year ago.

English, meanwhile, has dropped to 60.2%, the worst result since 2004. Education Secretary Bridget Phillipson warns that failure in the most fundamental skills is holding Britain back. You don't say. It's not rocket science. Nor is it about AI, IT, coding - the writing of instructions for computers - or other technological skills. I bust a vessel every time I read a parent complaining on social media that their child isn't learning anything "useful" at school.

"They should be teaching them how to manage money, about credit cards and loans, rent and mortgages," growled one such sage recently. Really? Without having mastered the basic principles of adding up? In any case, that's your job. Just as you have been coaching your darlings in the domestic arts, manners, interpersonal skills and the importance of keeping your head down and avoiding crime. You have been doing that, haven't you?

What about the workplace? Who's going to give our Jack and Lucy a job - any job - if they can barely read or calculate? Because the employment market is changing more rapidly than ever before, and the competition is deadly.

Pupils who fail in maths and English are currently required to retake the exams if they stay on for sixth form. What about those who don't? What about the almost 28,000 children who will now have to re-sit their English language and the 21,000 who failed maths? Who, by the way, is paying for all this failure?

That would be you. Let's not cheapen the argument by playing the "disadvantaged white working class" card, the "ethnic underclass" card or the "illiterate migrant" card. An equitable education for all children means exactly that: ALL. Regardless of birth, circumstances or home life. Without an adequate grasp of the most fundamental skills, our future workforce is semi-educated and we will all be at risk.

Quality teaching comes at a price. But as with the NHS, it's not about the amount of money spent, but how it is spent. It's less about class size, more about truancy and apathy. Get pupils into the classroom. Enliven, encourage and motivate them. Teach fewer subjects more rigorously. And bring back times tables by rote while you're at it! It worked for me

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What do you call a girl who sells her used bathwater made into soap? That's right, Sydney Sweeney. Forget the "great jeans" controversy, it was the soapy thing that got me thinking. Having seen towels for sale that were said to be infused with Freddie Mercury's sweat, I pondered what else the hot

toddy (Sweeney Todd, geddit?) could be turning her hand or, er, whatever to. Perhaps the most macabre celebrity memorabilia I have seen for sale is jars of breath. There's a whole American webite dedicated to it. I mean, a puff of

soccer superstar Lionel Messi for $39.99, 10 left, buy now! A gasp of Meryl Streep, at $9 cheaper, grab yours! Elon Musk, sold out! The one you want isn't here? Suggest a celeb and the company will work to add their breath. It's revolutionised fandom. Takes your breath away.

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"I've done crap, because sometimes I didn't have the rent," said the recently departed Terence Stamp, once voted one of the 100 sexiest film stars of all

time, of his fluctuating film career. "But when I've got the rent, I want to do the best I can." The sun is always biggest just before it sets. Save a seat at the bar, Sergeant Troy.

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H2O, people: are you getting enough? If the lengthy queues for the water fountains in airport departure lounges are anything to go by, most of us are aware of its importance and are doing our best to hydrate.

A study, however, finds that the majority remain parched. Not only is this having predictable consequences on our physical health, but it is impacting us mentally, raising our stress levels and putting us at risk of depression.

This, in turn, can increase the risk of heart disease and diabetes.

The study, by Liverpool John Moores University, used European Food Safety Authority recommendations - 2.5 litres per day for men and two litres daily for women. British health authorities advise us to drink "six to eight cups", which equates to around 1.5 to two litres a day. Make that more

during a hot spell or while recovering from an illness. Poor hydration causes stress. Who knew? And the good professors are now counselling us to keep a bottle handy when we're facing an urgent deadline or are about to make a speech, that sort of thing. Perhaps the advice should be two bottles. You know, for the other thing.